Expectations

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There is a kind of disappointment when one sees the “not pregnant” result on a home test that is different than everything I’ve experienced before.  Though I have to manage my expectations since I am at the age when these things do not happen readily.

I think I need to back this up a little.  At the beginning of April I had an appointment with a midwife to get the ball rolling with this whole have a baby thing.  I wanted to start right away, truth be told I wanted to start trying back in August of last year, but Alex had finals he wanted to put his energy towards.  So, while we semi-tried to conceive in April nothing came of it.

At the end of April three children in my classroom got pin-worms. Because of this my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me and Alex to treat ourselves prolifically. I thought this was no problem since we were only semi-trying and my period was due any day.  Then my period did not come and did not come and did not come.  It finally arrived after much stress, since you should not take the pin-worm medicine if you are pregnant and you should not conceive for at least a month after taking, eight days late.

For the month of May we actively avoided  getting pregnant.  My period came and went then I stated taking daily ovulation tests.  We had finally arrived at the moment of actively trying to conceive a child.  I could feel my expectations rising with each passing moment.  Especially, when Alex quips that we will not have to try for very long.  So, when I’ve felt exhausted and nauseous everyday this past week, I got my hopes up a little.  Then my co-workers asked if I was pregnant and my hopes soared a little higher.  Thursday we has a potluck at work and something smelled so gross I had to hold my breath while making my plate and my hopes went a little bit higher.  At this point I’m convinced that Alex was right we wont be trying for long.  I diligently wait until the morning that my period is supposed to start to test.  While I wait for the test to reveal its results I’m picking out names for both boys and girls.  Then I look at the results and my high hopes sink to the bottom.

So, I took my kitties on a picnic in the park because we had new windows being installed at home.  This cheered me up.  I resolved to try harder to conceive in July, because a picnic in the park would be a hundred percent better with a little human.

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Day One

Yesterday my husband, Alex, flew to Alaska.  I kissed him and said good bye.  Our last kiss for four weeks.  I miss him in waves.  He really has not been gone long enough to really miss him, but I know he is gone and this is hard.

I tried to keep busy all day and not think about how alone I was going to be for the next few weeks.  When I came home from work I was like a woman possessed I cleaned and cleaned the almost clean house until Izzi called about us going out.  We first looked at puppies and kittens.  Then we gorged ourselves on Sushi.  I was saddened when I had a split second thought of texting Alex to see if he needed anything for me to bring home.

Home was quiet.  I watched T.V. until I was so tired I was about to pass out.  I woke up around four in the morning like I always do when he is not in bed with me.  I hugged his pillow close and drifted back to sleep.  I woke up to Zoey snuggling with me and wished (not for the first time) that there was a tiny us.

Day One: Zoey having a lay in.

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