Oh, December we meet again.
The fall leaves are alost all gone.
The 40 degree weather is here to stay.
The sun is a distant memory.
This is the happiest time of the year?
I guess I’m feeling a bit maudlin this first Sunday of December. Wishing for the crisp cold sunny days of northern California while trying to stay positive in the grey of Oregon is not really working so well for me.
Every year I post about December. Sometimes its wish lists. Sometimes its year end summations. Sometimes its my tree and all the decorations. This year is different. So my December posts should be different too.
This has been a year of change and discovery. Relationships have changed so much over the past year it makes my head spin to think on it. People I would not have ever dreamed of have come into my life and are helping me see the good. People I never dreamed of hurting me have done so very deeply.
This December while I reflect on all of this I am also yearning to begin new traditions. Bebe is my shining light. She will guide me through the darkness of winter. Focus on her and creating memories is all that really matters. She has helped me so much already and will continue to do so for the rest of my days.
Sorry for all the melancholy, but such is the breaks when you have PPD and PPA.
I hope this December finds all of you well and that you are able to look past the stress of consumerism and find light and love in the holiday season.
Welcome to a world where everyone shares everything. And by everything I mean small snippets of their lives that they deem worthy and acceptable to share. I try to be open and honest with myself. Especially, now, with a young child. I know that I am not perfect. I know that I am not the best, brightest, most beautiful. I see my flaws (probably more than I should), but who could tell that based on just Instagram? Social media sometimes makes life harder than it needs to be. We still need to connect with each other in real life.
Many years ago before Facebook and all this I had a co-worker of mine tell me that she always knew when I was upset. I asked her how? She told me that I get quiet when something is bothering me. I didn’t even realize this myself and really no one else has ever made this very astute observation. These past four years in Oregon have been a very quiet time for me. It’s past time I start making some noise.
Thinking about this now I realize it is probably something that I developed as a child. Something to help keep me safe in the unstable house I grew up. There was lots of yelling and name calling in my house. I would hide under my bed for hours until I became too big to fit nicely. To this day I hate yelling. I cannot bear to be around people who are yelling or arguing. The rational side of my brain says that arguing is alright, but the side of my brain that is a little girl just wants to hide.
Confrontation makes me super uncomfortable and it is something I need to work on. I need to learn how to stand up for myself and those I care about. I want to be a warrior instead of a worrier. I just don’t know how to get from point A to point B. Especially when my whole life when I’ve wanted something for myself I’ve been told that I’m selfish. How, do I make a leap of faith when my self-esteem is so low that jokes knock the wind out of my sails? I need to figure this all out especially since I’m a role mode for my sweet bébé. I want her to be fearless. I want her be able to do the things she wants and not worry if I’ll be there to catch her. I want her to stand up for herself and others.
In order for this to happen I need to work on myself. Tuesday, I begin therapy again. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to make some progress. First step is to eliminate this crippling anxiety that makes me question everything. I know that there is no quick fix and that I’ll revisit my issues again and again throughout my life, but that is another good example for bébé. She will grow up knowing that when you need help it’s okay. Everyone needs help from time to time. I also want her to always feel loved. I’ve had many moments in my life where I did not felt loved, or wanted, or cared for.
Okay, enough rambling for today. This sleep deprived mama needs some dinner.
Time is moving so fast. Though the days still feel unbearably long. I have moments when I never want to put bébé down and times when I want someone else to take her just for a little bit so I can be my own person again.
Two months into this whole mommy thing and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Continue reading
There is a kind of disappointment when one sees the “not pregnant” result on a home test that is different than everything I’ve experienced before. Though I have to manage my expectations since I am at the age when these things do not happen readily.
I think I need to back this up a little. At the beginning of April I had an appointment with a midwife to get the ball rolling with this whole have a baby thing. I wanted to start right away, truth be told I wanted to start trying back in August of last year, but Alex had finals he wanted to put his energy towards. So, while we semi-tried to conceive in April nothing came of it.
At the end of April three children in my classroom got pin-worms. Because of this my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me and Alex to treat ourselves prolifically. I thought this was no problem since we were only semi-trying and my period was due any day. Then my period did not come and did not come and did not come. It finally arrived after much stress, since you should not take the pin-worm medicine if you are pregnant and you should not conceive for at least a month after taking, eight days late.
For the month of May we actively avoided getting pregnant. My period came and went then I stated taking daily ovulation tests. We had finally arrived at the moment of actively trying to conceive a child. I could feel my expectations rising with each passing moment. Especially, when Alex quips that we will not have to try for very long. So, when I’ve felt exhausted and nauseous everyday this past week, I got my hopes up a little. Then my co-workers asked if I was pregnant and my hopes soared a little higher. Thursday we has a potluck at work and something smelled so gross I had to hold my breath while making my plate and my hopes went a little bit higher. At this point I’m convinced that Alex was right we wont be trying for long. I diligently wait until the morning that my period is supposed to start to test. While I wait for the test to reveal its results I’m picking out names for both boys and girls. Then I look at the results and my high hopes sink to the bottom.
So, I took my kitties on a picnic in the park because we had new windows being installed at home. This cheered me up. I resolved to try harder to conceive in July, because a picnic in the park would be a hundred percent better with a little human.